


It's About Us

by katzengefluster



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, smtm 3 angst, soul searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 13:43:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7174160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katzengefluster/pseuds/katzengefluster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never 'bout I...</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's About Us

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the summer of 2014, directly after the first round of solo performances on Show Me The Money 3.

Before his stage he’d been nervous. Excited, yes, but nervous too. Not that he had a ton of experience on stage, but the stages he’d performed on before were not this stage, this audience not _his_ audience. It was a little foreign and it made him a little unsure of himself.

The very air that surrounded him felt thick with tension and he struggled through it, composed on the outside (for the most part) but gasping for breath on the inside. He ran on instinct alone (which was a terrible thing, but he’d found himself falling into the same trap again and again lately) and by the time he’d finished his stage he barely remembered it.

It all came back to him on the walk back to the waiting room, of course. Another day, another mistake. Memories of their car ride to the audition--

‘ _People won’t like us, right? Will we be looked down on there?_ ’

No one said it, but Hanbin was certain they were all looking down on him right now. Why shouldn’t they? It wasn’t just self-deprecation. He hadn’t done terribly (certainly no worse than the majority) but he _was_ semi-famous already, and he _was_ YG, so everyone expected more of him (and of course Mnet would pounce on his mistakes first). The wait through the remainder of the stages was mildly torturous, even if some of them were impressive enough to make him forget himself for a few minutes here and there, but seconds after _those_ stages he remembered his own faults that much more.

All in all he didn’t feel terrible by the time everyone had finished. He was disappointed in himself, sure, but he wasn’t the only one, and he was far from the worst. They separated into their groups and trudged off to wait with their mentors, anxious for the results, no feedback given out just yet, not until the votes were counted and everyone knew how much criticism would actually matter.

He wasn’t prepared for the results.

A rather undeserved second place—he couldn't ever remember feeling more embarrassed of himself then when they'd looked at the standings (okay that was a lie: forgetting his prepared lyrics at the JYP battle, fucking up in front of Dok2 during his audition, fucking up in the 1v1 battle—everything seemed to involve forgetting lyrics). It wouldn't have been as bad had the results reflected his performance. Despite forgetting a line, he thought he'd done a pretty admirable job of making up for it. Middle of the standings (high middle, because he had laid down a pretty hype diss and the crowds loved that shit) and he wouldn't have felt bad.

But second only to Vasco? Higher than others who'd delivered better performances?

Higher than Bobby, who everyone had thought would win the round (Hanbin included)?

The shame was still burning his face. The way Tablo had reacted made him feel the worst. There was no one at YG that he looked up to more than Tablo (save Teddy, or Jiyong), so hearing the disappointment in his mentor's voice had shaken Hanbin badly. The last thing he wanted to do was make Tablo regret choosing him for Team YG.

He hadn't been able to look at Olltii either, though he'd been able to feel the anger directed at him. Olltii had killed his stage—killed Hanbin along with it. Not that he blamed Olltii, because it was a survival show and he was doing what he could to ensure he'd build a storyline for himself worthy of screen time. But Hanbin had stolen votes that probably should have been Olltii's, and he was sure he wasn't going to be easily forgiven for it.

Speaking of forgiveness... They were halfway back to their dorm and Bobby still wouldn't look at him. Bobby hadn't said a word to him since the reveal, hadn't acknowledged him since getting in the van. Bobby was rarely angry—and by rarely he really meant never—but he was angry now, and Hanbin knew it was his fault. Well, technically not _his_ fault, because he couldn't control how the audience had voted. But still, he _had_ fucked up. _Again_.

He just wanted Bobby to say something. This silence was unusual for them, they always had each other's backs, no matter who fucked what up (more times than not it was Bobby fucking up and Hanbin covering, but he wasn't the sort to keep a running count). This felt personal, more personal than anything involving the team ever had. But then Hanbin supposed they weren't even a team on this show anymore, were they? Hanbin had stayed loyal to home (not because he couldn't leave YG, he'd just really wanted to work with Tablo and Wu) while Bobby had left for Illionaire. They were competitors.

His throat suddenly felt dry and he wondered—why was Bobby really quiet right now? What had he said back at the show's studio, after the reveal with his team? Had his Illionaire team mates talked shit about him? Had he been forced to defend Hanbin—or had Bobby not defended him at all? Had he agreed with them and talked shit? He couldn't imagine Bobby doing that. But Hanbin knew that sometimes people did stupid things in front of people they looked up to, getting caught up in the moment. Bobby wouldn't do that to him though, would he?

The van stopped when they arrived at their building and Bobby jumped out without a word, leaving Hanbin to stare at his fleeing figure. Forcing himself out of the vehicle, Hanbin bowed to their driver before heading for the building door. He stopped there, hand on the handle, his stomach a mess of anxiety and dread and he was not about to head up to their apartment right now. He'd let Bobby have some time to cool off first. The last thing they needed were cameras in their faces capturing how awkward they were being with each other. So Hanbin entered the building but sat inside at the bottom of the staircase where he was safe from filming.

Bobby, on the other hand, dragged all the tension he'd been feeling since the recording with him into the apartment, kicking his shoes off at the door and giving nothing more than a brief nod in greeting to his teammates before quickly making for his room. There was too much in his head right now, too many thoughts beating around his skull that he couldn't separate and process. He hadn't meant to ignore Hanbin in the van on the way back—he really hadn't—but the longer they'd sat together in silence, the more irritated Bobby had become. What was he supposed to say to him anyway? “ _Congratulations on ranking higher than you should have!_ ” or maybe “ _Good job flubbing your lyrics again, what the fuck is wrong with you?_ ” He wanted to be supportive, because they always supported each other, but he couldn't help but feel annoyed.

It's not that he was jealous of Hanbin, because he wasn't, but all through their time spent together as trainees, there had always been comments from everyone about how good Hanbin was. Hanbin would be the next GD; Hanbin had such great charisma on stage; Hanbin's rapping was always clear and his delivery was better than Bobby's (not that it had ever surprised him, because Bobby hadn't exactly been brought up speaking Korean the proper Korean way, so of course his pronunciation and vocabulary would never be at Hanbin's level, he'd accepted this from day one and constantly worked on it). But if Hanbin was so fucking good according to everyone at YG, why was he always screwing up his lyrics? And why did he keep screwing up in front of such important people?

Bobby figured it was probably nerves, but Hanbin was supposed to have that under control. He wasn't supposed to let that affect him. Bobby remembered well the glares and intense cut eye they'd both been on the receiving end of on day one of the auditions, before even going into the venue. _Idol rappers_ had been everyone's muttered comments, haughty looks thrown their way as though he and Hanbin were nothing short of jokes to be scoffed at, fodder for diss raps later on in the program (if either of them even made it that far). They were supposed to show everyone exactly how wrong they were; they were supposed to put everyone on fucking notice.

But this was the _third time_ Hanbin had messed up with his lyrics on this show alone and they were only on the fifth episode. Of course he wasn't the only one messing up his lyrics (and it's not like Bobby hadn't messed up his own lyrics during one of the rounds) but he was certain that Mnet and their editing team were going to have a field day with this. Hanbin had set up his own downfall too perfectly for it to be ignored. All he had to do was perform without error—and he couldn't do it.

The worst part, though, was that despite the continued error, somehow Hanbin was _still_ doing well. If there was one thing Bobby was actually jealous of Hanbin for it was his ability to recover from his mistakes on stage. He remembered well their JYP battle from WIN. Despite forgetting his prepared rap and freestyling the entire thing during their battle, Hanbin had ended up being a standout in JYP's eyes. Hanbin had that ability to forget everything but somehow pull himself out of danger while looking like a pro. Bobby knew he wasn't quite at that level yet, though he was getting better with improvising on the spot. It was aggravating.

Of course it didn't help with the jokes that Dok2 kept making to him—not that they were malicious (because technically Gonzo hyung was kind of extended YG family, in the sense that he was close to Tablo and GD) but they still made Bobby uncomfortable. The producer's little smirk and wink as he quipped to Bobby that “Your boy's got some memory problems, huh?” How was he supposed to respond to that? On one hand he fiercely wanted to protect Hanbin (because with the exception of Tablo and Wu, no one else knew that they were dealing with Mix & Match right now, and Hanbin was stressed out enough over trying to fit three new guys into their team while protecting the other three who were already there and in danger) but then on the other he was kind of done with the whole thing and just wanted to wash his hands of the concern and take the “sink or swim” approach with Hanbin.

Which made him feel like an asshole but he couldn't bury his feelings forever.

He heard the door to their room open and refused to turn and look, certain it was Hanbin. Was he just going to go on ignoring him all night? It was stupid, really, they should just talk and get it over with. Bobby would be willing to talk if he knew what he wanted to say, but that was really the crux of the problem. He had no idea what he _wanted_ to say to Hanbin.

Bobby felt his bed dip down but the hand on his arm was definitely not Hanbin's, though he kind of wished it was, because talking to Jinhwan was only going to make him second-guess his feelings.

“How did it go?” Jinhwan asked, voice quiet in anticipation of bad news.

Bobby shrugged, guilt’s creeping fingers already at his throat. Jinhwan had that effect on him when he was upset. “Fine.”

Jinhwan sighed loudly, making his dissatisfaction with Bobby's one word answer known. “Where's Hanbin? He didn't follow you up.”

“Don't know,” Bobby replied, feeling slightly irritated.

“Did he mess up his lyrics again?” Jinhwan asked, voice full of concern, and that only irritated Bobby more as well. If Jinhwan wanted to know about Hanbin so fucking badly, he should go and find him.

“Yep,” Bobby confirmed. Jinhwan slipped his arm around Bobby's waist and leaned over until his face was resting on his shoulder. “He placed second though,” Bobby elaborated, because he wanted to head off Jinhwan feeling sorry for Hanbin.

“Really?” Jinhwan sat up at the unexpected answer. “Who came first?”

“Vasco,” Bobby answered, biting off the comment of _who fucking else were you expecting_ because it wouldn't be right to snap at Jinhwan. Usually Jinhwan would have to pry he and Hanbin apart when they came back from filming the rap show, shoving his way in between them to listen to them talk. It was only natural that Jinhwan would be concerned now since Bobby was in an obviously bad mood while Hanbin was nowhere to be seen.

“How did you do?” Jinhwan asked, and once again Bobby was biting his lip to keep annoyed retorts at bay.

“Performance went really well, everyone on the judging panel had praise and thought I'd be top 2.” Bobby answered. “But I finished sixth. Fourteen votes to Hanbin's twenty two.”

Jinhwan was quiet at that and Bobby knew that he understood. “Wanna talk about it?” Jinhwan offered, and Bobby shook his head. “Do you _need_ to talk about it?” Jinhwan prompted, and Bobby understood why he was asking. But he shook his head again. Maybe later, but not right now.

Jinhwan leaned down to hug Bobby before getting up and leaving the room, okay with letting him simmer in his thoughts for now. Bobby never managed to hang on to anything negative for long, so Jinhwan was certain he'd be okay. At the moment he was far more concerned about their leader. In truth Jinhwan had been against the idea of Hanbin competing on the show (especially since it had been Bobby's idea, and Jinhwan knew that despite being the leader, Hanbin had a habit of blindly following Bobby) but he'd kept the concern to himself. It wasn't that he thought Hanbin couldn't do well—now was just not the time. Hanbin already had too much on his plate with the new additions; fitting in another survival show on top of that (especially one he'd be competing in alone) was just bound to cause problems. How Hanbin managed it all, Jinhwan would never understand. The kid was a mental tank, at least most of the time.

Jinhwan quietly closed the door on Bobby before heading into the living room to kneel down by Junhoe. “Leave Bobby alone for the night, okay? If you get tired before I get back, go sleep in my bed,” he instructed the younger boy, who looked at him with concern but nodded. Junhoe was never one to blindly follow instruction that he didn't agree with, but he knew the relationship the original three had well enough to always take Jinhwan's advice on anything relating to Bobby and Hanbin.

“Hyung, where are you going?” Junhoe asked, because he hadn't missed the fact that Bobby had come back alone.

“Out.” Jinhwan answered, and Junhoe knew from his tone to not ask questions, so he didn't. “Make sure no one else bothers Bobby either. If you need me I have my phone.” With final instructions given, Jinhwan got up and headed for the door, slipping on shoes before leaving the apartment. He really hoped Hanbin hadn't gone far, and was surprised but thankful when he found him at the bottom of the stairs.

Jinhwan quietly approached him, sinking down to sit next to him on the staircase. Hanbin didn't say anything, so Jinhwan tested the waters by leaning against him. He waited a few seconds before speaking, giving Hanbin time to act first if he wanted to. When he remained quiet Jinhwan dove in.

“I heard how things went,” he offered, and with the way Hanbin's shoulders tensed Jinhwan knew that something had happened between his two younger members. He just hoped Hanbin would be more willing to talk about it than Bobby had been.

But if Hanbin had any intention of talking, he wasn't making it clear. His silence was stifling and Jinhwan wrapped an arm around his waist. “Talk to me, Hanbin-ah,” he prompted, pressing in close.

Hanbin just shrugged, torn between wanting to talk and wanting to keep everything to himself. After all, this problem was between he and Bobby. It would be wrong to involve Jinhwan needlessly. But what if Bobby had already involved him?

“What did he tell you?” Hanbin asked quietly, sneaking a peek at him.

“The results,” Jinhwan started, eyes focused on Hanbin, “yours and his,” he elaborated slightly, watching for any dead giveaways in Hanbin's expression. To his surprise Hanbin simply nodded and didn't say much. “He said you messed up your lyrics again,” Jinhwan mentioned, mostly because he knew if he didn't address it, Hanbin would never bring it up.

“I did,” Hanbin answered, voice strained with tension, “it was only a few seconds and I recovered, but, whatever, it was still good.” That wasn't a lie, at least. He did remember that the crowd had seemed pretty into the ending of his stage, after he’d recovered from the error.

Jinhwan nodded, steeling himself for the explosive outburst he felt was on the tip of Hanbin's tongue (too often these days Hanbin seemed on edge, and though he hid it very well, Jinhwan always noticed). “What happened with you and Bobby?” Best to get right to the heart of the matter, because it was getting late and they always had early mornings these days.

Hanbin shrugged, thinking back to his thoughts in the car. Too many options for Bobby's soured reaction—Hanbin just wanted to know for sure what the cause was so he could figure out how to fix it. “Nothing,” he replied, which was true, to an extent.

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan stated, more direct than usual, “one of you needs to talk to me, and since Bobby's in a room with a camera, I'd rather it was you.” If anything was going to get Hanbin to open up, he figured it was the threat of exposing this team crisis on camera.

To his surprise, Hanbin softened at the comment, the tense lines leaving his shoulders. Jinhwan had figured he'd put up a bit more of a struggle. “I honestly don't know what his problem is,” Hanbin began, leaning forward over his knees, “he wouldn't talk to me on the way back.”

“Why didn't you make him talk? You're usually good at that.” Jinhwan asked, and it was true. Awkward tension never lasted long in their group because Hanbin was a firm believer in dealing with issues the minute they came up. The longer you let something sit, the more it festered.

Hanbin just shrugged again, though he knew Jinhwan was right—he should have made the conversation happen if Bobby was being silent. That was his job as leader. But the problem was that he and Bobby _never_ had this problem, so dealing with a silent Bobby was not something he was familiar with. “I don't know, it just felt weird.”

“Yes, and when things feel weird, that's when you always make the guys address the situation,” Jinhwan prompted, “so what happened in the car? Why didn't you make him talk to you?”

Jinhwan's voice had taken on a scolding tone now and Hanbin couldn't help but feel irritated about it. Why was he the one getting grilled?! Bobby had been the one who'd run off without a word, leaving Hanbin alone. “He always talks to me, I shouldn't have to make him,” he finally said, and he hated himself for how it sounded—whiny and pathetic.

Jinhwan wanted to hit the both of them at the moment—they could be irritatingly stubborn at times. Was he going to have to play mediator for the night now? Run back and forth relaying messages between these two idiots? No, he refused to do that. They were sorting this out. “You know this was bound to happen at some point, right? You and Bobby having a spat?”

That did it for Hanbin, who fixed Jinhwan with an angry look. “This isn't a spat, hyung! We didn't fight—I didn't fight. He just ignored me when I needed him.” Hanbin was shocked at himself when he said it, not ready to admit to those kinds of feelings—weakness and dependence. That wasn't who he was as a person.

Jinhwan was relieved to hear the bit of truth that came out, just as shocked as Hanbin but happier for it. He slid his fingers down Hanbin's arm and gripped one of his hands, voice soft now after Hanbin’s declaration. “You need to tell Bobby that.”

Hanbin shook his head, “No, no I don't. I really don't.”

Jinhwan squeezed his fingers around Hanbin's, thumb rubbing the back of his hand. “It's okay, really. You're allowed to have your moments too.” Jinhwan spoke soothingly, desperately wanting to hug Hanbin but knowing that it would be the wrong move in the situation. Hanbin hated it when you tried to console him, absolutely loathed it. Jinhwan was the opposite, and sometimes it got hard to juggle what he wanted versus what Hanbin needed.

That seemed to flip something in Hanbin's brain, though, and he sat up a little straighter. “Hyung, can you go tell Bobby I want to talk to him, down here?”

Jinhwan was curious about the sudden change, but he was willing to accept it. “Okay, I'll go get him.” He gave Hanbin's fingers a final squeeze before standing up and heading back up to their floor. He really hoped Bobby wasn't still in a stubborn mood. Quietly entering the apartment, Jinhwan went directly to Bobby's room without stopping. He eased the door open far enough for him to slip in, sinking down beside Bobby on his bed.

“Hanbin's downstairs, he wants to talk to you.” Jinhwan stated, feeling gutted when Bobby tensed at the comment. “Come on, the sooner you two talk this out, the better. Please don't make me drag you out of bed,” Jinhwan added a teasing tone to his voice, desperate to get Bobby downstairs before Hanbin lost whatever nerve he had worked up.

Bobby wasn't ready for the ensuing conversation yet, though. There was still more to process, more to figure out. Why couldn't he have more time to himself first? It was a selfish thought, for sure, and he was honestly surprised at himself for having it. Shouldn't he want to get this shit figured out as soon as possible? Why was he even delaying? When Jinhwan started pulling on his arm Bobby finally sat up. “Calm down hyung, I'll go.”

That placated Jinhwan for the moment, who stopped tugging and just stood in front of him. “Why are you so reluctant to talk to him? What's going on in your head?”

Bobby frowned at the question, because he hadn't exactly figured out the answer to it just yet. What was he feeling that was blocking everything? He was never like this with Hanbin (he was never like this with anyone).

“Jiwon-ah,” Jinhwan spoke softly, placing a hand on top of Bobby's head, “talk to me about it.”

Bobby took a shuddering breath in, weakened at Jinhwan's request. Jinhwan always had that effect on him and Bobby sometimes hated it, but usually he was grateful for it. “I just, really feel disappointed,” he stated quietly, and everything fell into place for him then. “I feel like he let me down.”

Jinhwan nodded, relieved to hear Bobby admit his feelings, especially because he knew how hard it must be for him. It was difficult because of the dynamics of their friendship, the three originals—Jinhwan was Bobby's rock, while Bobby was Hanbin's rock, so for Bobby to feel let down by Hanbin was a serious problem. Bobby was the only one that Hanbin ever admitted his fears to, he was the only one who ever saw him at his weakest. But Bobby was also the only one who really saw Hanbin at his strongest—those sleepless nights when Hanbin was hard at work creating, and Bobby was there to play the role of his muse, and together they would create amazing things, and Bobby was always in awe of him. How could he possibly feel disappointment? Jinhwan understood now why he'd been having such a tough time tonight.

“I understand.” Jinhwan stated, taking hold of Bobby's hands. “You should tell him that,” Jinhwan said, cutting off Bobby's attempt at a protest, “he's already worried about your reason for running off, you need to address it. You really need to be honest with him, because you know he'll see through you if you lie to him.” Bobby nodded, though he was not eager to shovel all of his hurt feelings on Hanbin's already stressed shoulders. “He's tough, Jiwon, he can take it. If you don't give him your honesty, he'll worry about it all night, you know that. Better to get it out in the open so the two of you can resolve it.”

Bobby nodded, he knew Jinhwan was right. Hanbin wasn't stupid, he knew there was something serious going on in his head regarding all of this, and it would be a greater disrespect to lie to him about it all. So Bobby pulled himself up and gave Jinhwan's hands a tight squeeze in thanks before letting them go. He was half-tempted to ask Jinhwan to come with him, because Bobby was sure the second he saw Hanbin looking dejected his resolve would crumble and he'd invent any excuse in the book to not tell him the truth. But this was a conversation he and Hanbin needed to have alone, even though Jinhwan was half-involved now. But that was usually how things were between them anyway, Bobby and Hanbin sharing some kind of secret and only giving Jinhwan half of the answer. They all had their dynamics, and the eldest never felt jealous of the extra level of closeness the younger two had.

Bobby quietly slipped out of the apartment and made his way downstairs, slowing to a stop when he saw Hanbin sitting on his own, knees drawn up and arms crossed over them. Bobby steeled his nerves and walked down to meet him. “Whatever you want to say to me, Hanbin, it has to wait, because I have something I need to say to you.” The words were out of Bobby's mouth before he had a chance to think about them and he was grateful for it, because when Hanbin looked up at him (unable to hide the momentary look of hurt that settled in his eyes) Bobby was certain that he would have crumbled in front of Hanbin and ignored everything in his own brain.

Hanbin, to his credit, quickly recovered from his regretful expression and nodded, leader mode settling over his features. “Sure, go ahead.”

Usually Bobby was impressed by how quickly Hanbin could slip in and out of this controlled state, but for tonight only he let himself feel annoyed by it, let the irritation build up to force out the words he didn't really want to speak. Why couldn't Hanbin do this outside the safety net of YG? Why, from the very beginning of their Show Me The Money journey, had Hanbin leaned on Bobby, been so openly nervous and in need of reassurance?

“When you and I agreed to do this show, we went in with the intention of proving everyone wrong. We knew we'd be targets; we knew we'd be hated. But we were supposed to show everyone how wrong they were about us, we were supposed to prove something,” Bobby paused, his eyes focused on Hanbin's face, which was stony and betraying no emotion at the moment. Bobby wondered if he was doing as good of a job hiding it, but he was sure the answer to that question was a resounding no. “I know neither of us have had perfect runs so far, but this was the first time in the show that performance really mattered, because there were more than just the judges there. There were other people, people who'd probably never even heard of us before, people who never watched WIN.” _People who didn't know you, people who didn't know how hard you've been working these past few years,_ Bobby thought to himself.

Hanbin knew now where Bobby was going with this, and while part of him was relieved (because it meant that Bobby hadn't betrayed him and he wasn't here to confess that he'd spoken ill of Hanbin on camera) the other part of him felt a truly regretful type of hurt he hadn't felt since the moment the announcer had spoken _Team A_ and Hanbin had felt everyone's dreams crashing down around him. But it was important for Bobby to say what he needed to say, and truthfully it would make Hanbin's own admission afterwards that much more important. So he somehow managed to keep his eyes focused on Bobby, though the look of hurt on the older boy's face was almost enough for Hanbin to break into apology in advance.

“You know I never doubted you for a second before you went on stage? I was so certain you wouldn't fuck up again, not after the lifeline you got in the 1v1 battle. I honestly believed with all my heart you'd go out there and be every bit as perfect as I know you are. You had to, after Olltii. He called us both out and I was certain leader mode would kick in and you'd go out there and kill everyone.” Bobby felt awkward all of a sudden, still standing while Hanbin was sitting. Like he was scolding him, speaking down to him. This wasn't how he ever spoke to anyone, cold and brusque. He hoped Hanbin wouldn't take it personally. “So when you screwed up, again... For the first time in my life since I've met you, I actually felt angry at you. I've never been angry with you before, not once. I was disappointed.” Bobby took a deep breath, blinking rapidly at the tears that were coming unbidden to his eyes. He couldn't cry right now, he couldn't do that to Hanbin. Steeling himself, he met Hanbin's gaze again, drawing a bit of strength from Hanbin's still impassive expression. “For the first time ever, I feel like you let me down.”

Even though he'd understood where the conversation was going, Hanbin hadn't actually been anticipating the words themselves, and they sucked all the oxygen from the room. He couldn't breathe. If anyone had ever asked him what words he never thought he'd hear from Bobby, ' _you let me down_ ' would be right at the top of the list. It hurt, and Hanbin didn't know what to say in response. He stared blankly back at Bobby, eyes unfocused so his face was nothing more than a blur.

When Hanbin didn't answer Bobby sank down on the stairs beside him, dismayed to find his hands shaking when he reached for Hanbin's arm. “I've always thought that when it came to rapping, we were equals. We both have our different strengths, and together we're unstoppable, but I've never thought either one of us was better than the other. I wanted us to do this show so everyone would see that. I really thought you could do it; I trusted you.” Bobby looked down at his hands, fingers gripping Hanbin's forearm (probably a little tighter than necessary but it was either that or crying and Bobby thought Hanbin would pick potential bruising over tears) and he felt like the world's biggest asshole but Jinhwan was right—he needed to speak his mind.

“People saw the results and they said it was obviously fans, they said you didn't deserve it. But I know how good you are, I've always known it. I just—”Bobby paused and tried to swallow around the lump in his throat“—I just really wanted you to prove it. I wanted you to show everyone how good you are, and I wanted everyone to tell me how lucky I am to have you. But instead I feel like it's the other way around. You know how the editing on this show works, I'm scared everyone's going to watch it, everyone who doesn't know us, and they're going to say that you're not that good, that you're just being over-hyped by YG.”

Hanbin heard every word Bobby said, understood where every word came from, where every emotion originated from. They were difficult to hear, of course, excruciatingly painful. But he didn't miss Bobby's meaning, he didn't miss the source of his frustration. Bobby truly did view them as equals and he wanted the world to know it, and that made Hanbin feel infinitely better about the situation.

Bobby's fingers were still tight on Hanbin's forearm, to the point where the digits almost felt cramped. He peeled his fingers back, stretching them before reaching further to take hold of Hanbin's hand. “We're supposed to be a team, you and me,” Bobby stated, bolstered by Hanbin's steely gaze, “but we're not a team on the show, we can't be, and that's so fucking hard for me. I honestly didn't even think about it, I'm so used to us always working together. But you're supposed to be a machine, and it hurts me to see you breaking down when I can't help you.”

Hanbin nodded after the comment, thinking to himself— _ah, there it is, the course of Bobby's real problem_ —and he knew they'd be okay. He could work with this; this was solvable. He squeezed Bobby's hand reassuringly, a clear path of what he wanted to say laid out before him. “I'm sorry,” he began, looking Bobby in the eyes, “I realize that I made a mistake in asking to do the show. It was a selfish decision, and I shouldn't be making selfish decisions right now. That's the reason why I've always done so well as the leader, because I've always been willing to put the team before myself. But I didn't do that this time.”

Bobby shook his head, ready to voice disagreement with Hanbin. “That's not a fair statement, we asked about the show before we found out about Mix & Match. You didn't know what else would be going on.”

“Doesn't matter,” Hanbin replied, “as soon as I found out about our program, I should have pulled out. It would have been the right thing for me to do.”

“Isn't my decision selfish too?” Bobby asked, and not out of offence for himself.

“Sure, but you're allowed to be selfish.” Hanbin explained. “We all have specific roles to play, and those roles give us different levels of freedom. You're our hype man, Jiwon, you're the one who's going to yell at the world until they take notice of us, and you're good at it. People notice you, they pay attention, and that works well on a program like Show Me The Money. But I'm the leader, and I shouldn't be doing that, not when there's all this other stuff to do. I can't worry about myself looking good when I have to worry about the team. What's the point if I go and prove myself, alone, but the team is a disaster? That just means I've failed as a leader and I come off looking bad. But if I put the team first and work on the team, and they come out looking good, then that only makes me look even better. I can't push myself and outshine everyone else; I need to push the team so we all shine equally.”

Bobby hated to admit that Hanbin had a point. There was a double standard there, and as much as he disliked it, it wasn't his place to dispute it. “Okay, but still, you're allowed to want to shine outside of the group. You deserve it; no one works harder than you.”

Hanbin shook his head, disagreeing. “No, I shouldn't even be thinking about it right now. Later, after we debut, if we do well, maybe then. Maybe after a few years I can think about a solo album. But I need to focus on the group first, I need to make sure the group does well.” He paused then, locking eyes with Bobby and squeezing his hands. “Anyway, this isn't up for debate. I appreciate what you're saying, but I have a job, and I can't push that aside for personal gain. I just wanted to thank you for telling me how you felt. It was hard to hear, but I honestly needed to hear it, and it hit harder coming from you. It's a good reminder for me about where my priorities should be.”

“Well that makes me feel like less of an asshole, then.” Bobby replied, trying to force a laugh.

“I mean it, hyung,” Hanbin said, “I needed to hear what you had to say. I needed the reminder, and it meant a lot to me that it came from you.”

Bobby nodded. “I still feel bad though. I shouldn't have let it go so long, we should have talked on the way back. I'm sorry I made things uncomfortable; I don't know what happened to me.” He held Hanbin's hands tightly, feeling slightly disappointed in himself. Maybe the pressure of two survival programs was wearing him down more than he expected.

“Don't worry about it, it's okay.” Hanbin smiled and squeezed Bobby's hands back. “Actually since we're being honest, I did feel really hurt when you just ignored me. You've never done that to me before, I didn't know what to make of it.” Hanbin knew it was important that they both get out everything they needed to say right now, and he felt like Bobby would appreciate hearing his honest opinion back.

Bobby raised his eyes to meet Hanbin's, grateful to hear him admit the hurt out loud. “I wasn't thinking about you, and I'm sorry. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you.”

“I know,” Hanbin replied, levelling a smile at Bobby, “usually you try to be irritatingly protective.”

“Irritatingly?” Bobby parroted back, grinning. “I apologize for ever trying to protect you.”

“Apology accepted.” Hanbin answered quickly, and they both laughed. “Honestly, though, it reminded me that even though you're my hyung, and you're the one I lean on the most, at the end of the day I am still the leader, and instead of worrying about myself I should be supporting you. That's what I should have done when you mentioned the program, just supported your decision to be on it.”

Bobby frowned at the words, even though they touched him deeply. “Fuck, Hanbin, I feel like I should be the one calling you hyung.”

Hanbin laughed. “Please don't, that would be awkward.”

Bobby grinned and tested it out. “Hanbin hyung,” he said, laughing immediately.

Hanbin laughed too, wincing and shaking his head. “Nope, way too weird!”

“I feel like I need to wash my mouth out with soap.” Bobby said, heart feeling lighter now that they were past their awkward moment.

Hanbin leaned into Bobby, arm circling around him, burying his head in Bobby's shoulder. All the tension of the past half hour left him feeling slightly winded now that it was resolved, and he wanted nothing more than to cuddle up in bed and sleep. “Let's promise each other we'll never do this again?” He asked, turning his head to look up at Bobby.

“Agreed,” Bobby replied, “I haven't felt this drained in a long time.”

Hanbin smiled, grateful to know it had felt as weird for Bobby as it had for himself. “You ready to go up?”

Bobby nodded and got to his feet, offering his hands to Hanbin. “Let’s go before Jinhwan hyung sends out a search party.”

Hanbin grinned and grabbed Bobby’s hands, letting himself be pulled up. He was surprised when Bobby pulled him in for a tight hug, but gratefully accepted it.

“Thanks for being understanding.” Bobby spoke softly into his ear, and Hanbin didn’t need to say anything in response. The comment worked both ways, after all. They pulled back and shared a smile before heading for the stairs.

Only a few seconds passed in silence before Bobby was speaking, a teasing tone to his voice. “You know, the more I think about it, I actually think it's good you placed as high as you did. Especially beating out Olttii.” He looked next to him and grinned when he saw Hanbin’s narrowed eyes staring back.

“Why?” Hanbin asked, sure Bobby was about to launch an attack on him. Now that their hurt feelings were dealt with it was back to normal, and that meant free-flowing insults.

“Because there is no way they'd pick you to go on otherwise.” Bobby replied, winking at him.

“What?! You think they'd take Jidam over me?” Hanbin asked, playing into mock outrage.

“Absolutely,” Bobby said, “even though she's not really that pretty, she still has a better face than you do.”

Hanbin shook his head. “You are in no position to be talking about anyone's looks! You’re so ugly that when you cry, your tears run down the back of your head to avoid your face!”

Bobby burst into laughter at Hanbin’s comment, always impressed at his never-ending supply of new insults. Now that they were playing this game, though… “Well, you’re so ugly that when you look in the mirror, your reflection turns to stone!”

It was Hanbin’s turn to laugh, holding tight to the railing. “You’re so ugly, you make onions cry!”

Bobby stopped in his tracks, leaning against the wall and laughing into his arm. “You’re so ugly,” he started, looking at Hanbin and barely being able to focus, “when you were born, the doctor took one look at you and slapped your mother!”

“You’re so ugly your mother had to get drunk before breast feeding you!” Hanbin yelled back, only to start apologizing a second later, though the apology was laced with laughter. “Oh God I’m sorry, I crossed a line!”

“Hanbin!!” Bobby yelled, laughing so hard he was crying, crouching down until he was sitting on the stairs. “How could you?!”

Hanbin was on his knees next to Bobby, leaning over and laughing into his shoulder. “Hyung, I couldn’t stop myself, I’m sorry!”

Bobby laughed along with him, half weirded out by the joke, but half impressed by it. “Why would you even go there?! You think about my mom that way?”

“Oh gross, no!” Hanbin pulled back, punching Bobby’s shoulder.

“What, is my mom not good enough for you?” Bobby asked, still crying from the laughter.

“No!” Hanbin wailed, hitting him again. “Stop talking about your mother like that!”

“You started it!” Bobby retorted.

“Hold on a second,” Hanbin said, trying to get a handle on his laughter, “you actually started the mom stuff!”

Bobby was frozen for a second, remembering all the lines they’d said to each other. “Shit, you’re right, I did!” The admission made them both burst into renewed laughter, crying into each other’s arms. They stayed there for a few minutes before eventually getting up and resuming their walk up the stairs, content in quiet solitude for the moment.

Hanbin reached their apartment door first, stopping to look back at Bobby. “Hyung, I’d just like to say one last thing before we go in.”

Bobby leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for Hanbin’s final comment. It wasn’t often that they got sentimental with each other, but after tonight Bobby wouldn’t say no to something emotionally meaningful.

He should have known better.

“You are so ugly, if you were a prostitute, the only car that would stop to pick you up is the garbage truck!” Hanbin said before wrenching the door open and slipping inside, grinning as he slammed the door shut in Bobby’s stunned face. Bobby stood frozen in disbelief at Hanbin’s final jab, wondering how he hadn’t seen it coming. Seconds later though and he was pulling the door open, yelling for Hanbin.

Hanbin was toeing his shoes off, grinning ear to ear, beyond pleased with himself, when Bobby came charging in after him.

“You are a complete piece of shit, you know that, right?” Bobby said, shaking his head in irritation as Hanbin grinned happily at him.

“Oh come on, that was funny! That was my best one!” Hanbin said gleefully, watching as Bobby kicked off his shoes.

“I thought you were going to say something nice to me!” Bobby whined, frowning as Hanbin came closer.

“Nice? Do you know me?” Hanbin answered with a laugh, reaching out to grab Bobby’s hands.

Bobby smiled and shook his head, letting Hanbin pull him along to where the others were assembled in the living room, all eyes now on the pair. Bobby looked for Jinhwan, smiling to let him know that things were okay.

Junhoe spoke up first. “Did you two have a lover’s quarrel in the stairwell?”

Bobby glared at him but Hanbin laughed. “Lover’s quarrel? With this ugly face?” Hanbin reached out to pat Bobby’s cheek, but Bobby wasn’t having it.

“I should have thrown you down the stairs is what I should have done!” Bobby said, grinning but trying to sound at least somewhat annoyed.

“Hey guess what?” Hanbin said, turning his attention back to the group. Bobby was a little concerned when he saw Hanbin make eye contact with Junhoe again.

“If you’re not going to tell us about how you destroyed Bobby hyung at your show, I’m not interested,” Junhoe replied dismissively.

Hanbin grinned at the comment while Bobby sighed. “Well you’re in luck! Even though I fucked up my lyrics again, I still finished second to Vasco, and kicked Bobby’s ass!” Hanbin answered, reaching for Bobby’s arm. Bobby pulled away and glared at him, feeling even more annoyed at Junhoe’s loud laughter. Those two were a terrible pair.

“Sympathy votes! They were all sympathy votes!” Bobby yelled, swatting at Hanbin’s hands again as they reached for him.

“They probably were,” Junhoe stated from the couch, “I mean, everyone knew he’d be going home with you, right?”

Bobby fixed Junhoe with a glare while Hanbin ran over to the couch to high five him. Bobby sought out Jinhwan next, who looked happy at all the teasing because it meant things were back to normal. “Hyung, can I sleep with you tonight? I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be in a room alone with those two.”

“Yeah please take him in, hyung! I’m embarrassed to be around him. He wasn’t even top five!” Junhoe pleaded.

“Our room is a no loser zone now, Bobby can’t be in it anymore!” Hanbin added on, and Bobby couldn’t help but react to their teasing.

“Fuck both of you!” His outburst made everyone laugh (Jinhwan included, the traitor). “You guys are both idiots, you deserve each other.” Bobby dramatically turned on his heel and left the living room, heading to his room to get changed. He was smiling, though, willing to be the butt of a few jokes if it meant that Hanbin was happily laughing.

He was joined a minute later by Jinhwan, who sat down on his bed while Bobby finished washing up in the bathroom. “So you guys sorted everything out?”

Bobby went to his dresser to rummage for a clean t-shirt. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Jinhwan smiled, he could hear just how good things were from Bobby’s tone. “I’m happy to hear that, I was worried.”

Bobby looked over at him. “Sorry we worried you.”

“Yeah well, try not to do it again! I feel like I lost a year of my life.” They both laughed while Bobby pulled his shirt over his head.

“Oh come on, you knew we’d sort it out.”

“Sure, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard to deal with it in the moment,” Jinhwan said, and Bobby could hear the emotion in his voice, “you two aren’t supposed to have problems like that.”

Bobby crossed the room and grabbed Jinhwan’s arms, pulling him up and into a tight hug. “Well it was tough for us too, so I don’t think it’ll happen again.”

They were both so focused on each other that neither of them noticed a third person entering the room, not until they felt another set of arms wind around them both.

“Thanks, hyungs,” Hanbin said, burying his face in Jinhwan’s hair.

Jinhwan unwrapped one arm from Bobby and pulled Hanbin in between them. “I just told Bobby that you guys can’t do this to me again, okay?”

Hanbin grinned down at Jinhwan. “We won’t, it was too draining for us. I’m exhausted.”

“Good! You need to sleep anyway, so go to bed!” Jinhwan teased him.

“I will, I promise!”

Bobby laughed and tightened his arms around both of them, feeling content in the moment despite his exhaustion. His eyes met Jinhwan’s, and he remembered just how bad things had been before he’d gotten involved. “Thanks, hyung, you really helped tonight.”

Hanbin echoed the sentiment, eyes also on Jinhwan. “Yeah, we’d probably still be ignoring each other right now if it wasn’t for you.”

Jinhwan shook his head and rolled his eyes, trying to look annoyed. It was a lost cause though, because he already felt tears pooling. “Oh, you two,” he said, cursing himself for getting emotional so easily. He couldn’t help it, though. This team was the most important thing in the world to him, and he took every threat to it deeply. Just like he was Bobby’s rock, and Bobby was Hanbin’s rock, Bobby and Hanbin as a pair were Jihwan’s rocks. “Things will always work out with us together,” he said softly, his breath hitching in his throat.

Bobby usually teased Jinhwan for getting sentimental, but he needed it tonight. He put a hand to the back of Jinhwan’s head and pulled him closer, reaching for Hanbin and pulling him just as close. “Everything’s gonna be perfect for us,” Bobby stated, and he honestly believed it. They’d been through a lot together, and now that they knew debut was around the corner, things were going to be okay. They just had to make it through one last hellacious period, and everything would be worth it.

“You guys are being gross, stop it.” Hanbin whined. Bobby and Jinhwan laughed and Hanbin immediately joined them, grateful as always for the team he’d been gifted. He knew he’d probably wake up in the morning and feel weighed down by the immense scope of responsibility again, but for now he’d let himself float happily between these two. Everything would work out somehow.


End file.
